implicit.thoughts.explicit

心软的人

2012-02-13T00:47:00.000+08:00

my didi

2012-02-01T01:45:00.000+08:00

decisions

2011-12-18T00:10:00.000+08:00

"busy" is the word i will never get to escape from, but busy is not the issue, but fruitfulness is the issue. so busy with so many things, rush from here to there, rush from this to that. overall, i dun feel i am happy. perhaps it is because of the many other circumstances, but what i know is that i dun really enjoy what i am doing. decisions could be made days ago, weeks ago or even months ago (even years maybe?), but they all resulted in whatever i need to do today.

i so dun wanna work for him, i so wanna go out to various places i wanna go, i so wanna spend time with those i wanna spend lotsa time with, i so wanna do this and that but i am so occupied with the rest that is not fruitful... doesn't reap fruits of joy, doesn't reap fruits of satisfaction, doesn't reap fruits that i want.

no point crying over spilt milk. results are coming out soon, money issue always haunting me... so much more to "worry" about. just hope that my so called "smart" brain can make better and wiser decisions, those that will lead me to happiness, that will lead be to fruitfulness, and even if the going is going to be tough, the fruits are at least sweet~

why am i doing what i am doing?

2011-12-13T00:48:00.002+08:00

busy. just so busy. not happy at all.

i really miss a lot of things

2011-11-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

you can choose not to read this

2011-11-17T09:02:00.000+08:00

in the past when i have tons of friends perhaps i won't feel it that much, as at any time where will be a lot of people attending to you and wanting to spend time, go out, talk to you - regardless they are of a decent motive or not and who care's they genuinely like to be with me. as compared to now (or a few years) when the decision made was to have qualitied and not quantity of people close and around, it seem like wow isn't it better to have a few very closed ones who forms part of your inner clique and they will be like genuine towards you blah blah blah - what a fairytale. but what now? i really lose more than 90% of my friends and i feel as lonely or even more lonely as ever? while many other of my secondary school friends either classmates of one another (jc mates too) are so close even till today, hanging out, 21st birthday bashes... me? i dun have anyone of my "kind". when you put your hopes on that few, yeah you are more dedicated, more focus, not everything but there yet what you get in return?

all along i believe (i still do somehow) give is better thanr receive. when it comes to buying things for people (mind you money is one big scarcity - at least for now - in my life and so important and precious to me okay) i will not hesitate as much because i wanna sacrifice, wanna give and thus that scarcity due to my circumstances will add a lot more heart and meaning into whatever i bless others. i dun even buy things for myself. when did the last time i bought a piece of t-shirt or top? years ago~ wow am i that poor? perhaps not just that i spend more than half of my finances on others - to love - excluding daily requirements of transport, food, bills...

here comes the part where this i cannot do that i cannot do, this i am allowed that i am not allowed, this i must fulfil and the most hated part = this i ought to, expected to fulfil =.= ttm. i not human hor? taken for granted by whoever and whatever as always and yeah what else. seriously blog is the only channel that i won't feel condemned and won't need to reserve so much that i can talk to wow yeah to myself and online leh... so much for closed ones... seriously i have downtimes too and need as much, even more perhaps that TLC and attention and love as much as i give without expecting in return (mind you, dun judge me).

i am so having a hard time (ya not as hard as yours k? happy if i claim it that way?)

if you have any negative opinion towards whatever i wrote in this post or even on my blog you can jolly well choose not to read. you no need to "friend" me like on facebook and no need to "follow" me like on twitter. screw those social networking stuff that just expose to me to more condemnation and blackmailing or whatever i can call that.

Disclaimer: i dun need (and hate) your pity.

it is coming

2011-11-16T00:34:00.000+08:00

specifically mentioned

2011-11-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13 [MSG]

(1) Trust STEADILY,

which "steadily" means free from change, variation, or interruption; uniform; continuous; constant, regular, or habitual

(2) Hope UNSWERVINGLY,

which "unswervingly" means not changing or becoming weaker; steady or constant

(3) Love EXTRAVAGANTLY,

which "extravagantly" means exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions; going beyond what is deserved or justifiable; excessively high

For HOPE and TRUST, the elaborated characteristics talk about time, commitment, consistency where they shouldn't cease regardless. However for LOVE, the elaborated characteristic talks about going beyond what is expected, going beyond the norm. So love has no time-specific instructions? Yet it does in fact - Love has already been defined as "never fails" and "keeps going to the end" by previous verses! Therefore Love itself is time-specific i.e. forever.

supposedly, right?

2011-11-08T11:29:00.000+08:00

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [NLT]

分生 - 张惠妹

2011-11-08T00:42:00.000+08:00

一个我像不会累一直往前
一个我动弹不得伤心欲绝
我不确定几个我住在心里面
偶尔像敌人偶尔像姊妹

一个我在网路上朋友一堆
一个我在房间里独自面对
灰色的音乐塞满黑夜 High的想麻醉
好让翻搅的胃安静一点忘了全世界

分裂前的热泪分裂后的冷眼
越爱谁越防备像只脆弱的刺猬
分裂中的心碎分裂后的假面
不快乐不伤悲情绪埋藏成了地雷等待爆裂

一个我相信用心会被感觉
一个我大喊真心会被欺骗
开始的热烈不停奉献后来剩决裂
谎言吞噬了心带来刺痛撕裂的蜕变

分裂前的热泪分裂后的冷眼
越爱谁越防备像只脆弱的刺猬
分裂中的心碎分裂后的假面
不快乐不伤悲情绪埋藏成了地雷等待爆裂

it is Him

2011-11-06T15:12:00.000+08:00

Romans 9:16 [MSG]

Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy.

Romans 9:16 [NKJV]

So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy.

Not me, but Him through me.

just wanna say

2011-11-06T04:32:00.000+08:00

i really love my brother so much~

seeking a refreshing

2011-11-06T04:16:00.000+08:00

休息是为了走更长的路~

lone warrior

2011-11-04T01:04:00.000+08:00

i dislike it when people say i think too much when i did not. it is just an excuse for them to deny something that is indeed true. i dislike it when people say i am stubborn when that matter is something which standard shouldn't be lowered. i dislike it when people treat me as a vending machine and they only come to me when they need me for something i can offer. i dislike it especially when people treat my time and my efforts like as though it is something common and worthless - mind you, all which i give is either out of sacrifice and many a times out of love and it cost me so much so much.

can i be treasured, doted, regarded precious for once? (if that can ever happen, and even if it does yeah literally for "once" eh?)

the most loving woman i've ever known

2011-11-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Mummy =]

a Great Woman who sacrificed decades of her life just for me. so grateful, so thankful.

妥协 - 蔡依林

2011-10-31T23:16:00.001+08:00

你总爱编织谎言

我负责配合表演

所有改变只为了进入你的世界

这情节重复了一百遍

才发现是你的心太远

你划定楚河汉界

我不能轻易犯规

所有时间都是先给了你优先权

不自觉爱到不敢冒险

成了你的傀儡一年两年

才看见我有多狼狈

爱到妥协到头来还是误解

抱着你不让你飞

历史不断重演我好累

爱到妥协也无法将故事再重现

你也想退后一点我躲在我的世界

你只是害怕一个人睡

我不想再为你掉泪

我了解不会再仍在徘徊

开始自己的明天

爱到妥协到头来还是误解

抱着你不让你飞

历史不断重演我好累

爱到妥协也无法将故事再重现

你也想退后一点我躲在我的世界

死了这条心吧

2011-10-31T19:43:00.000+08:00

叶子是不会飞翔的翅膀
翅膀是落在天上的叶子

天堂原来应该不是妄想
只是我早已经遗忘
当初怎么开始飞翔

孤单是一个人的狂欢
狂欢是一群人的孤单

爱情原来的开始是陪伴
但我也渐渐地遗忘
当时是怎样有人陪伴

我一个人吃饭旅行 (到处)走走停停
也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心
只是心又飘到了哪里
就连自己看也看不清
我想我不仅仅是失去你

give.sacrifice.love.

2011-10-30T21:27:00.002+08:00

always

2011-10-30T21:16:00.002+08:00

keep on keeping on

2011-10-30T09:48:00.000+08:00

Matthew 19:26 [MSG]

Jesus looked hard at them and said, "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it."

when all hope seems to be gone, i choose to believe in His Word, i choose to believe in Him, that indeed all things are possible, and since Jesus can be resurrected from the dead with the ultimate battle won 2000+ years ago, anything is possible. everything is going to be alright, everything is so going to be alright.

through Him there will be restoration, there will be redemption, there will be resurrection. through there will be abundance, there will be a harvest, there will be blessings and miracles that are beyond what i could think or imagine. He knows the desires of my heart, He knows my heart.

Jesus, i choose to trust in You.

one day

2011-10-30T00:40:00.000+08:00

1 Corinthians 13:7 [NKJV]

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

错

2011-10-29T01:14:00.000+08:00

不敢说，不敢做

不能说，不能做

with Him,

2011-10-28T11:53:00.000+08:00

everything will be okay, everything will be okay...

Desert Song - Hillsong

2011-10-27T21:48:00.000+08:00

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

the truth h....

2011-10-27T00:55:00.002+08:00

love extravagantly

2011-10-26T02:48:00.003+08:00

...珍惜所有爱你和你爱的人

once again it is coming

2011-10-24T21:05:00.000+08:00

MySpace-Countdown-Clocks

matter of fact

2011-10-24T20:58:00.001+08:00

exceptions are for people that matter,

and the opposite is also true.

special is the word, precious is the thing.

2011-10-24T12:16:00.000+08:00

when my whole world caved in

2011-10-24T00:44:00.000+08:00

who stayed?

little as it seems

2011-10-23T00:36:00.000+08:00

for neither occasion, for neither purpose, but L...

love is an action

2011-10-22T03:25:00.000+08:00

(1) Quality Time

(2) Physical Touch

(3) Receiving Gifts

(4) Words of Affirmation

(5) Acts of Services

these languages, spoken by those who matter the most, have the most effect...

Terracotta Warriors

2011-10-15T01:43:00.001+08:00

Terracotta Warrior - Kneeling Archer

Terracotta Warriors - Leaded by the General

After more than a month of "procrastination"... i finally get to go to my favourite museum i.e. Asian Civilisation Museum for a visit! Not just any normal visit but one to the special exhibition on Terracotta Warriors from the Qin Dynasty of Ancient China! Although this is not a very big exhibition but the exhibits really fascinated me a lot! These are just items from hundreds and thousands of years ago and it revealed so much (gave me a glimpse) of what was it like then! i really wanna go China to see more of such Ancient China and Imperial stuff hahahaha xD i am so interested in China's Ancient History (anything before 1911 hehehe)!

E.I.

2011-10-12T00:37:00.002+08:00

we

2011-10-11T23:17:00.002+08:00

the truth is

2011-10-10T11:41:00.000+08:00

Luke 12:34 [NKJV]

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 12:34 [MSG]

The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

with Him

2011-10-05T00:52:00.000+08:00

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 [NKJV]
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed - always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

1st October - a very important day to remember

2011-10-04T16:10:00.002+08:00

happy birthday my dearest didi~

He is Love

2011-10-04T16:07:00.002+08:00

anyone with me?

2011-10-04T15:59:00.000+08:00

so true

2011-10-04T15:53:00.002+08:00

it has been a long time since...

2011-10-03T11:54:00.000+08:00

Achievement is "something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort, great courage, etc.; a great or heroic deed"

- Dictionary.com

“Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.”

- Orison Swett Marden

untitled

2011-10-02T01:00:00.000+08:00

i am not Superman.

tug of war

2011-09-30T14:48:00.000+08:00

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

- Ephesians 6:13 [NKJV]

just do it, anyway

2011-09-22T01:31:00.000+08:00

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

harvest

2011-09-22T01:23:00.000+08:00

Luke 10:2 [NKJV]

Then He said to them, “The harvest truly is great, but the laborers are few; therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.

Ezekiel 22:30 [NKJV]

So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before Me on behalf of the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one.

"And you are called, but dont just be called, be sent and bring back the harvest." - my shepherd, liwei

even if to write upon my heart

2011-09-11T23:34:00.000+08:00

Jeremiah 29:11 [NKJV]

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

自己都顾不好自己，还想要顾别人...

2011-09-11T01:47:00.001+08:00

so many issues to deal with, so many things to improve, so many problems to work on, so many stuff (as i categorise the rest into) to do... about myself, about my life and even about my future... and yet i am so concerned about so many other people around me, about their issues, their problems, their watever watever... what is wrong with me? it seems like everyone is going through a tough time of their own and it is like no one can help no one?

especially concerned about the people around me, close ones, and special mention of that few that i love with all my heart and life. i can't even help myself and neither doing that well myself, how am i suppose to help them and really be a constructive, practical, comforting support to them?

yet at the same time i am so concerned about my studies, all that things i am committing too, my future especially... so uncertain, so oblique, and doubts are flying all around~ and always being reminded of the things that i needa improve on, to work on, to change even - it is such a struggle and a battle within.

chaos, is the word.

struggle, is the verb.

deep within me perhaps not very "significant" is the little hope, the little trust, and the little faith i have that no matter what, He will not forsake me...

as a worship song goes, "i know that You are for me, i know that You are for me, i know that You will never forsake me in my weakness..."

and something that Ps. Kong mentioned just yesterday, "you do what you can do and He will do what you cannot do".

that breakthrough(s),

that miracle(s),

and before all that,

the strength and hope to carry on my every day...

can't wait to go for this

2011-09-10T01:28:00.000+08:00

part of my life

2011-09-10T01:19:00.000+08:00

a large part of my life - about eight years so far - has been associated with events, programs, camps planning and executing. i really love to plan and execute various events and especially camps. camps i believe are really platforms for many great things to occur and to learn - the importance of teamwork, self-realisation through the difficult tasks and environment one is put in, communication skills, critical thinking and analysis, etc etc.

through so many major events and camps of various type and objectives, i really learnt a lot from the participants (even when i am a participant myself) and organisers. of course i love the games and cheers but what i really love (to achieve) the most is the takeaway from the events/camps. Friendships forged and especially lessons learnt about the person himself/herself. Stress & Fatigue are two awesome "thing" that can push a person to his or her limits and that is where a person will get to learn more about himself/herself and those are moments to differentiate the truly capable people from those who are not. Teamwork is something i cannot emphasize further and seen through so many instances, especially FOOT2011 camp with NTU ODAC, i really see how powerful teamwork is.

i am like 22 years old? hahaha not a youth already but neither old! wonder how many more such event/camp moments are there for me to really learn from and of all, to contribute and help many others discover the power of such events and camps, and of course to discover one's true self! really never regret all the things i opted for through the 8 years, thank God ultimately for so much opportunities to go through each and every one of the event/camp - and all these made me who i am today, stronger.

do not worry

2011-09-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

Matthew 6:25-24 [NKJV]

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

enjoyment performance theory

2011-09-09T00:46:00.002+08:00

how smart?

2011-09-09T00:40:00.002+08:00

The Seven Kinds Of Smarts

(1) WORD Smart - Linguistic Intelligence

(2) PICTURE Smart - Spacial Intelligence

(3) MUSIC Smart - Musical Intelligence

(4) BODY Smart - Kinesthetic Intelligence

(5) LOGIC Smart - Logical-mathematical Intelligence

(6) PEOPLE Smart - Interpersonal Intelligence

(7) SELF Smart - Intrapersonal Intelligence

PEOPLE Smart + SELF Smart = EQ (i.e. Emotional Intelligence)

http://www.conestogac.on.ca/learningcommons/learningskills/handouts/7_kinds_of_smart.pdf

baffled

2011-09-06T23:46:00.002+08:00

waiting

2011-09-05T02:02:00.000+08:00

Galatians 6:7 [NKJV]

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.

why

2011-08-29T01:03:00.000+08:00

sometimes, really sometimes, i will question why am i so poor? when all the pressure comes in financially, i really struggled, i really do struggle.

Bridesmaids (2011)

2011-08-28T02:52:00.000+08:00

i feel that this is really a got-to-watch movie! not about the M18 rating scenes but this is a very hilarious movie yet with deep meanings through many parts of the film! set me realising things of this reality in some sort and of course the overall takeaway is kinda positive! hope to have more of such a kind of comedy - that is more than just laughter hahahaha and yet the laughter is important too! enjoyed myself greatly watching this awesome movie =]

the clock is ticking

2011-08-27T01:30:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really do doubt myself

2011-08-27T01:02:00.000+08:00

the advertisement that impacted me most since years ago...

an inconvenient, ruthless truth...

i can't even support myself now and yet i am burdened and once again reminded of that deep desire within me, to go and do that something out there. to do so, i will need lots of that another thing which i am adversely in lack now - what an irony? such a big big dream, a noble one people say, but that is never the point. as i've told many, that revelation (or to many that realisation) i had is that hopelessness they are facing - when will things get better or when will all of these end? an answer no one else except God can give, and perhaps the answer is us, and a small part of that is me.

when will i ever make it there?

really want to

2011-08-25T02:34:00.000+08:00

go for a student exchange in year three semester one and have my own DSLR camera...

INSTEP? Europe is the secret desire, China is the present wish.

S$1199 is what i need to make this mine

it is finished

2011-08-25T01:32:00.000+08:00

after hours and hours of time invested in doing up this publication, it is finally finished, done, completed! wow it is really not an easy task being the editor, designer, producer, etc to coordinate this publication from scratch and alone! but thank God and those few ODACians who are so helpful, encouraging and understanding! hmmm really hope NTU ODAC peeps will like this publication and more than the artsy aspect, really hope they will enjoy reading the contents and line-up of stuff that as they move on in life either back in ODAC or beyond, these memories will be a intricate part of them! afterall this is my first time doing up a publication so hopeful it is up to standard and do meet expectations =X

has been a while

2011-08-24T01:19:00.000+08:00

it has been a while since i last blogged something more explicit hmmm has been really held up with various commitments and stuff =X will be back soon, cause really have lotsa "matters of the heart" to let it out somewhere.

my "inbox"

2011-08-15T22:10:00.000+08:00

at least He knows

2011-08-14T18:12:00.000+08:00

and He appreciates all that i have done...

Genesis 31:42 [NKJV]

"...God has seen my affliction and the labor of my hands..."

new year new semester

2011-08-10T23:52:00.000+08:00

thank God to the utmost for such a great time table. and of course not forgetting the miracle add/drop of my current Prescribed Elective HP8002 via an iphone4 while competing with many other virtual "campers". new year indeed (my second year as an undergraduate in NTU) and new semester - a crucial semester since i wanna go on a student exchange program in my year three semester one.

really wanna pull up my GPA yet at the same time anxieties about it with several disadvantages that i dun wanna repeat because i wanna focus on how possible the impossible can be done with Him. Wonder will it be possible to get my cGPA over 4.0 in one semester? tough sem to go but i shall not focus on all these "obstacles" but choose to focus on Him! it will be done somewhat somehow in the name of Jesus!!! Amen!!!

of course other than academics... there are other much more important things to me too but oh well i am really so limited and restricted... wonder again how all that is going to happen?

skype

2011-08-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

kinda miss it...

above and not beneath

2011-08-08T22:04:00.000+08:00

Deuteronomy 28:13 [NKJV]

"And the LORD will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath..."

a famous chinese saying goes "一山还有一山高". some people called it rat race in Singapore (or perhaps even the world) and indeed almost everyone (giving the benefit of the doubt) are brought up in a way where success, wealth, power, authority, fame, etc are life's objectives. for some, perhaps just for survival. the most common route (evidently in Singapore) is education. the higher you go, the better grade you attain, the more establishments and qualifications you get will allow you to be up there, so up there, earning big bucks, be someone people look up to, someone that others will be envious and jealous about, and whatsoever.

for myself, i have to admit that i was intensely brought up in an environment where money is of utmost important and anything that goes against money is "not good". of course being a christian for quite a while and growing up experiencing the many things that are much more precious and meaningful than money, that mentality has been removed. but still, growing up in this little red dot nation indeed is a so called "rat race" where many people compete (underhand means even) to go up the ladder of "success".

down to a smaller level and perhaps a lower one like now as an undergraduate, is results really everything? politically you can say yes, you can also say no, because both can be supported with some other politically sound reasoning. as for me, i will wanna say no, but it seems as if it is a yes - what a dilemna. who dun wanna earn lotsa money? who dun wanna be at somewhere one can excel like nobody's business? who dun wanna be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath?

i wan. i so wan so wan all that are mentioned above. but more than that i dun wanna lose "things" that money can't buy, i dun wanna lose my character in the midst of everything, i dun wanna lose myself...

keep on keeping on

2011-08-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

"Love is patient..." - 1 Corinthians 13:4 [NLT]

i still do

2011-07-28T13:04:00.000+08:00

I ♥ NTU ODAC

came in as a Footie in FOOT2010, thankful to be awarded Best Freshie. Chose to run for Main Comm Publicity Officer despite of contest, successfully ran for the position and had a chance to be part of 15th Main Comm with a group of great leaders and ODACians. Throughout the workyear met and forged great friendships with awesome people in the club, went to many places outta Singapore to explore, discover and experience. Participated in various adventure sports and family events, small gatherings here and there with closed ones in the club, had an unforgettable NTU ODAC experience that no amount of money can buy. Not forgetting the privilege also to be one of the 8 GLs for FOOT2011, with half of the 8 coming from the OG that i was in - so proud of us and Jac the CGL who was our GL. Let an awesome bunch of seniors (to me they are really the best) and Footies (who truly experienced the love of NTU ODAC and what we are all about).

it is really the hardest decision i have ever made and indeed no amount of explanation will suffice. i admit i am the disappointment, which a lot of high hopes are on me, waiting for me and expecting me to rise up, take the baton and run for it. yet the ending result is me, myself, PS-ing all my khakis in this race that we all suppose to run together and perhaps even letting down a lot of other people who has all along supported me and given me chances that i am really very grateful for. To my buddy yongjun, very closed pals wanrong and pris, and a lot of other close friends in NTU ODAC, i am really sorry (i really dunno what else can i say) and perhaps saying this is too early, but i am really going to give my best still to support u guys even though i am not in the 16th main committee. and i will stick around in ODAC close for sure to be part of the great vision you guys have for the club, and i do as much to make up for this disappointment i have created in the year to come.

if i am still able to say this, i really love NTU ODAC, this family that i was born into in NTU. and i really do regard you guys highly as my very important friends and fellow ODACians. i will be around, and i will still contribute to the best of my abilities, because i really heart odac, the same way you guys do.

a little more

2011-07-15T01:56:00.000+08:00

a little more care,

a little more concern,

a little more attention,

a little more love.

great food

2011-07-14T02:13:00.000+08:00

SOFRA Turkish Cafe & Restaurant - Shaw Tower

SOFRA Hazelnut Cappucino

SOFRA Chef Plate

Ate at this particular restuarant for NTU ODAC 15th Main Committee Appreciation Dinner! Super good food! Service is good, ambience is good, food is awesome! Hahahahaha xD This is relatively the price of Swensen's but the value is so much higher la! Really wanna bring my loved ones to this place to eat if possible! The desserts are also not bad especially one of them which is very traditional Turkish but forget the name liao! Oh well will have chance to come here again i guess =] Really hope it will be soon though - financially able to, time able to and loved ones could come along and will wanna come along...

held accountable

2011-07-13T02:30:00.000+08:00

every leader is entrusted with not just power, authority, but a huge responsibility - because whatever decision he or she makes will affect a number of people under him/her. let's get things straight, all human beings are flawed (so flawed in fact) and perhaps some may seem to "know more" than the rest and some may seem to "know better" than the rest, but he or she may be wrong, and often, so wrong. our character is nurtured, developed, moulded and flawed (let's make things straight) by our upbringing, past experiences, and environment even. so it is always good to give ourselves a benefit of doubt that the other person/people under us might be right and we are wrong.

the power entrusted upon a leader regardless of what realm of leader is of immense influence and impact. sometimes to put things across it can affect not just people directly under him or her but the rest of the people who are associated with them. stubbornness is different from conviction. knowledge is different from opinion. truth is different from majority-vote-count.

i seriously hate people who misuse their authority over others and cause a hell lot of trouble and negative consequences. stubborn, ego, pride - please look into the mirror and do some serious reflection. just a sidenote, you are not the only person with an attitude, mind you, me too.

this song too

2011-07-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

不喜欢怀疑什么

并不表示我没有感受

看你微妙的变化慢慢不同

我不是生气只是心痛

最讨厌被误会了

但越解释越觉得难过

你可以说人会变

但不能说你会这么做是我的错

哭过就好了伤都会好的

这样相信所以深呼吸着割舍

爱是为了拥抱为了牵手

不是为了争吵为了掉头

哭过就好了痛都会走的

记忆有限所以它会淘汰坏的

失眠听歌想念虽然苦涩

还是谢谢你让我长大了

最讨厌被误会了

但越解释越觉得难过

你可以说人会变

但不能说你会这么做是我的错

哭过就好了伤都会好的

这样相信所以深呼吸着割舍

爱是为了拥抱为了牵手

不是为了争吵为了掉头

哭过就好了痛都会走的

记忆有限所以它会淘汰坏的

失眠听歌想念虽然苦涩

还是谢谢你让我长大了

越多美好堆叠的过往

想忘就得推倒更大的悲伤

要找勇气却不在口袋或手上

但它一定在我身上某个地方

哭过就好了痛都会走的

记忆有限所以它会淘汰坏的

失眠听歌想念虽然苦涩

还是谢谢你让我长大了

was reminded of this song

2011-07-11T23:21:00.001+08:00

花接受凋零风接受追寻

心的伤还有一些不要紧

我接受你的决定

你将会被谁抱紧唱什么歌哄他开心

我想着天空什么时候会放晴

地球不曾为谁停一停

你的明天有多快乐不是我的

我们的爱是唱一半的歌

时间把习惯换了伤口愈合

也撤销我再想你的资格

你的祝福一半甜的一半苦的

像我手中冷掉的可可

最最教人残念的总是未完成的

我只能唱著一半的歌

as usual

2011-07-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

Meaning of "Disadvantage" from Dictionary.com = "the state or an instance of being in an unfavorable circumstance or condition"

only He can

2011-07-11T01:10:00.000+08:00

"God doesn't move in your life when you struggle; He moves when you pray." - Joyce Meyer

somewhere deep in my heart i am wishing that there will be someone who will be willing to go so far for me. perhaps there is really nothing else i can do except to cry and of course, pray.

"wow" is the word

2011-07-10T00:53:00.000+08:00

so many things can be happening around, some threatening, some intimidating, some hurting even. of course there are some so exciting, some so hilarious, some so memorable. but in the midst of all the confusion, hussle and chaos, it is always good to reflect internally - as a person, as a living being. i always remind myself that i am a child of God, i am created in His image, i am the apple of His eye and thus in the turmoil of the wrestles of life and even hardships and persecution, i know that i am protected, covered, saved, and loved - by Jesus.

a human's heart can be that pure, can be that simple yet can be that cunning and dangerous at times. sometimes the extent a person can do something can really shock me to a state of paralysis and make me think twice about the person and even about myself. how dangerous, how scary.

during many "vulnerable" moments, and there is no one i can physically go to, no one i can surely trust and perhaps just wanting to feel comfortable with, i will cry to the Lord literally. tears flow like nobody's business, voice that screams beyond the decibels of what humans can hear, heart that aches physically and emotionally. but i know He hears me, and His heart aches the same way as i do, or perhaps even more. And i know He collects my tears in a bottle and His love and grace which is more than sufficient, will cover and see me through all the days of my life.

now. my life is hard hit bottom, but when my human strength and ability ends, His strength, ability, grace and mercy will begin to flow, and flow so powerfully, so rapidly, so abundantly. in such a season which no one can understands or perhaps no one really cares, i know i will still make it through victorious eventually, with His love, His help, yet again and yet again, His grace and mercy.

as often as i judged others, i sinned against Him and many others, it really hurts and bring to "enlightenment" that now i am judged, assumed, hurt, put down, looked down, outcast even. so, i woke up from this vicious cycle and begin to choose to love again. Love, that doesn't depend on seasons, that doesn't depend on how one is treated, doesn't depend on how one feels, but a choice, a decision, a commitment, a non-stop trying thingy that i believe and know He will be glad seeing me doing.

i will hold on to "things" of my conviction, which are actually my values, but yet certain things really gotta re-position so that i can move on. balance is something one can never live without, especially on this earth. but certain things that i have set my heart on, that is what i will commit to, so willingly, no matter how hard and discouraging situations maybe and amidst all that, i know He is supporting me and He will help me - to forgive, to keep loving, to keep growing.

now i really feel like a christian, and i really do resonate with how He felt at times during those days. some people are hard to forgive, but forgiveness is the way. some people are hard to love, but love is the way. some people are hard to commit to, but commitment is the way. what a way God can reveal things to me.

What You Are - Jewel

2011-07-10T00:10:00.000+08:00

I’m driving around town
Kinda bored with the windows rolled down
See a girl on the bus stop bench
Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare
If she don’t stand out she thinks she’ll disappear
Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her
What she wants is already there

A star is a star
It doesn’t have to try to shine
Water will fall
A bird just knows how to fly

You don’t have to tell a flower how to bloom
Or light how to fill up a room
You already are what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day
Took place at the local VA
A father talking to his dying son
This was his conversation

“It’s not supposed to be like this
You can’t go first I can’t handle it”
The boy said “Dad now don’t you cry,
Remember when I was a child what you used to tell me

when I’d ask why?”

(You’d say) Gravity is gravity
It doesn’t try to pull you down
Stone is stone
It can’t help but hold its ground

The wind just blows, though you can’t see
It’s everywhere like I’ll always be
You already are what you are
And what you are is strong enough

Look in the mirror
Now that’s another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell

I’d have to tell myself
“In every scene there’s a perfect plan”
Everything I hoped to be
I already am

A flower is a flower
It doesn’t have to try to bloom
And light is light
Just knows how to fill a room

And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine
The tide goes out
So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a love so sweet
And love is love so it can teach us
We already are what we are
And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough
And good enough
And bright enough

You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

2011-07-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

Come stop your crying

It will be all right

Just take my hand

Hold it tight

I will protect you

From all around you

I will be here

Don't you cry

For one so small,

You seem so strong

My arms will hold you,

Keep you safe and warm

This bond between us

Can't be broken

I will be here

Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand

The way we feel

They just don't trust

What they can't explain

I know we're different but,

Deep inside us

We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

Don't listen to them

'Cause what do they know

We need each other,

To have, to hold

They'll see in time

I know

When destiny calls you

You must be strong

I may not be with you

But you've got to hold on

They'll see in time

I know

We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on,

Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be in my heart, always

Always

let it out a little

2011-07-07T21:12:00.000+08:00

my blog is titled "implicit.thoughts.explicit" for a reason eh? hmmmm just letting things out a little bit~ these days, especially these days really, i really do feel very lonely, and it seems i am fighting and go through things and doing stuff all alone. not much support, not much encouragement (if you exclude "self-encouragement") and yeah how can that be for such a socialite like me? i also dunno... and at many a times i dun even dare to want to know.

but oh well, i am still living not dead hahahaha and yeah my optimism and "looking on the bright side" and all the other stuff i am getting to is putting myself together just for this while. FOOT2011 camp is starting, soon school will reopen, and there comes my year 2 and back on "track"... but sometimes i give it a serious thought, so what?

会有那么一天

2011-07-07T03:17:00.000+08:00

1 Corinthians 13:7 [NLT]

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

i've made the choice

2011-07-06T02:28:00.000+08:00

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 [NLT]

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love is indeed a choice - a conscious one to be precise.

Love is a commitment - that has a begnning and yet no end.

Love is a promise - one which will never be broken.

Love is a sacrifice - it goes on and on no matter what.

~ implicit.thoughts.explicit ~

time flies eh

2011-07-06T01:26:00.000+08:00

just one year ago, i was a freshie, not just of NTU but of NTU ODAC, of FOOT2010. one year since then i have been so involved in NTU ODAC, the CCA (it is more than a CCA to me hahaha) that i committed a substantial amount of my non-academic time into. learnt so much indeed.

but beyond just the personal gains of learning and experience and growing up, what makes this whole journey so awesome is of course the people. many NTU ODACians have walked into my life in different ways but one group of them is definitely at the top and so close to me among all tertiary pals - Rainbow from CREDA and friends.

look at the photo? i can only conclude first by saying i am so proud of us hahahaha =D of the 16 freshies in CREDA - FOOT2010, i think 8 stayed in NTU ODAC has a CCA. among 8? 4 became GLs! that's like half the GL squad is CREDA peeps! Not forgetting one of the two CGLs are also CREDA people - Jac Foo, CREDA's very own GL! once again i gotta say i am so proud of Sia Wanrong, Priscillia Tan Yi Ling and Teo Sian!

now (yet it is only one year since then), it is us becoming GLs, wanting to relinquish that awesome experience we have gotten last year through the same event (different in many ways of course) to our own batch of freshies this year. time flies eh? really hope i can live up to it after signing up as a GL! the family, friends and fun motto lives within and may it... pass it on, pass it on, pass it pass it pass it on!

keep on keeping on

2011-07-05T01:49:00.000+08:00

有志者事竟成，破釜沉舟，百二秦关终属楚；
苦心人天不负，卧薪尝胆，三千越甲可吞吴。

this time it will be different

2011-07-05T00:40:00.000+08:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [NLT]

my only hope for restoration

2011-07-03T23:25:00.000+08:00

Matthew 19:26 [NKJV]

But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

such feelings are just indescribable...

skype

2011-07-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

looking through the many photos~

nostalgic eh

2011-07-02T02:25:00.000+08:00

one of the great songs by stefanie sun, a shining star from singapore and also one of my favourite artistes of all time. the lyrics of this song is just so emotionally triggering and yeah that is what i call resonance - feelings, sentiments, experiences.

手足

2011-07-02T00:02:00.000+08:00

美好的回忆之"念"

那一天

2011-07-01T13:15:00.000+08:00

bears all things,

believes all things,

hopes all things,

endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:7 [NKJV]

错过了花期花怪谁

2011-06-30T23:39:00.000+08:00

冷冷的夜里北风吹找不到人安慰

当初的誓言太完美让相思化成灰

花开的时候最珍贵花落了就枯萎

错过了花期花怪谁 花需要人安慰

一生要哭多少回才能不流泪

一生要流多少泪才能不心碎

一生要干多少杯才能不喝醉

一生要醉多少回才能不怕黑

我眼角眉梢的憔悴没有人看得会

当初的誓言太完美像落花满天飞

我其实

2011-06-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

我其实是一个很简单的人。

在挣扎之中

2011-06-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

spiritually, i am really struggling to keep up with almost anything and everything - prayer life to bible reading to even minstry or perhaps even attending cell group meetings and services. dry is the word, dry is the description, dry is the state i am in, or more specifically the situation i landed myself in. loving others especially those who are "undeserving" and unlovable becomes harder and harder, and i jus can't seem to have that tolerance/acceptance level that i once had?

giving was innate but now it seems that i am so empty within me that i dun have anything to give and my desire to give has been smeared. i am in a state which i really wanna receive but yet i am receiving nothing or perhaps i am just a bottomless pit right now. i find myself becoming more and more selfish, more and more hard-up inside, more and more anal about anything and everything.

i once again doubted my Calling. things are just not the way it should be (and the answer i can give myself is the fact that it will never be the way i expect it to be eh?). i dun see it coming, i doubt myself, i just feel i am perhaps not up to it...

these days (including weeks to come) i will be really busy with my last few "assignments" with NTU ODAC - Freshmen Overseas Orientation Trip/Camp and the Annual Publication/Magazine. other than that will be trying very hard to give tuition and make sure money still comes in somewhat somehow. not enough time to sleep, not enough time to rest, not enough time to do anything much, anything else significant i guess.

FOOT2011. Since the day i was chosen to be a GL (group leader) of one of the 4 OGs (orientation groups) of the camp, it has been really rough going. obstacles upon obstacles, setbacks upon setbacks. really wanna take this time to give praise and thanks to the Lord who has seen me through till today and that everything is still under control and going on smoothly without major hiccups. disappointments at times, stressed out at times, struggling is the word i can bring in to describe some other times. it really hasn't been a tinge of easiness and so outta comfort zone. energy level gotta be constantly high, mind gotta be constantly thinking, schedule constantly packed with lotsa related events/meet-ups/meetings/activities. hope all the way till the final FOOT2011 it will really be an awesome blast and i will really be able to maximise my potential and deliver results with flying colours, despite all...

personal finances has been a big big mess. money out more than money in. tuitions just seem to not be sufficient in this period of "holidays" to provide me with the dollar notes. i am struggling to keep myself alive by meals/food. so much more expenditure coming ahead. and i am still bothered by the fact i just "threw away" S$100+.

amidst all these things going on and on... what bothered me the most, affected me the most will perhaps be relationship with my dearest little brother. disclaimer and no doubt i still love him so so much but things aren't going well at all. it has been months literally since we last spend quality time together except that bare one hour of rushed lunch on my birthday? better than none right... whatever i say has become something to be said as an output of my insecurity but i really dun think so... even writing this paragraph, i need to be so tactful so that i do not blast out things that will make worse things worse which i think already has gotten in a direction i wouldn't want it to go. i dunno what can i do, what shall i say, how to go about resolving all this... how? i am so confused... i am afraid, scared that history will repeat itself and i am trying to trust that things won't end up that way... i am just desperate and i perhaps i am just a hopeless. no one i can talk to, no one can help me, i can just be in such a state that i can't even describe fully.

am i such an asshole? such a difficult person to please? i really dun think so because i am just a simple person who is yearning for quality time, for that attention everyone else seeks, for love, for 贴心 moments from my loved ones. all that sacrifices, obedience, dependence... i am such a easy person to read... i dun play mind games, i jus wanna feel loved and be loved with concrete actions... on the contrary perhaps whatever way i express love has become redundant, of no effect?

worse to worse it will just boil down to me being said as thinking too much. i insist, i am convicted that i am not.

loneliness has been something so part and parcel of myself, i am always on my own, crying to bed at nights and putting on the masks, armours, built walls during times when i am not sleeping. i hate it but there is nothing i can do... i believe i am a person who is 贴心, who is willing enough to give and sacrifice for others still... especially for those few, rare rare few... ah ya whatever la... this blog post is just gonna create chaos, and let it be...

i am prepared for the worst... for the breaking point...

toon yong meng steven

2011-06-27T22:57:00.000+08:00

perhaps, this is really my life.

holding on

2011-06-27T22:05:00.000+08:00

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [NKJV]

泪

2011-06-27T21:48:00.000+08:00

busy busy

2011-06-27T21:43:00.000+08:00

has been so busy lately and physically have been so tiring but thank God tonight i can have a good rest (of at least more than 7 hours) finally! Overseas Seniors Camp was good, has learnt quite a bit from many seniors and fellow ODACians. the next few weeks will be packed with FOOT2011 commitments definitely because i am a GL of an OG... Ayllon (pronounced as Eh-Lern)! not easy with so many obstacles and things not going right but coping well i guess? tuition is another thing i am gonna be busy with because i am so screwed in my finances and i got bills to pay and gotta feed myself! may God's strength and grace and wisdom be with me! too much of stuff wanna blog about but i am really lazy to do so liao so yeah my life is always so busy, nothing new, but there is something that changed of course... yup...

怀念

2011-06-25T02:41:00.000+08:00

ticking ticking

2011-06-23T23:24:00.000+08:00

i wonder how long more can i continue like this...

re

2011-06-23T01:00:00.000+08:00

SPIRIT FALL - CITY HARVEST CHURCH

I FEEL YOU TUGGING AT ME
A VOICE THAT WHISPERS INSIDE OF ME
“COME AWAY, COME AWAY WITH ME”

STIR THE FLAMES ALIVE
BREATHE LIFE INTO THESE BONES OF MINE
REKINDLE HOPE, MY SOUL REVIVED

SEND YOUR MIGHTY WIND
RENEW THIS LIFE WITHIN

SPIRIT OF GOD FALL DOWN
FALL WITH YOUR FIRE AND POWER FROM HIGH
IGNITE IN ME AGAIN
OUR HEARTS LIVE IN YOUR NAME
SPIRIT OF GOD FALL DOWN
POUR AS YOUR RAIN REVIVE US NOW
RESTORE OUR LIVES AND QUENCH THESE THIRSTY SOULS

LIVE IN US NOW
LIVE IN US NOW

HAND OF GOD DIVINE
TOUCH MY BEING, COME AND ANOINT
YOUR WORD BRINGS LIFE, YOUR WORD BRINGS LIFE

BREATHE ON US
BREATHE ON US
BREATHE ON US BREATH OF GOD
WITH FIRE
AND POWER
MOVE IN US TODAY